i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize