Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You are the jesus of drinking
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
