I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
