finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
