I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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