I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
