Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
