Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
is it fun? or sober?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
