i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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