Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
