I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
