Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
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Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
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I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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