Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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