Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize