happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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