i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
