Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
