my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
