That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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