Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
