You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
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You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
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I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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