when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
