I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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