I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
