I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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