exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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