I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
