it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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