The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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