he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
