Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
