I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
