If i could tip my vagina, i would.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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