do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
