just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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