i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
