I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
