I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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