They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
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In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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