So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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