Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
