I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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