We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
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ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
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Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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