A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
