im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
