There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
