cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
