I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
