He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
