Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
