I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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