An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
