i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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