Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
